I was reading IHM post on sexual harassment earlier and it reminded me of a very dear friend of mine. She was raped a couple of years ago. It just reminds me of some of the things people used to say about her and also what her family use to say.
This is how her story went:
She use to go to college (you call it Higher Secondary School in India) which was about 10 miles (16 km) from her home. So she used to have a 1 hour journey to and from college via bus. And everyone kind of became friends due to travelling the same bus on a day to day base.
Anyway, my friend (M) became friends with a boy from her chemistry class (K) who also travelled on the bus with her. M and K eventually became good friends due to studying similar subjects. She (M) studied Maths, Chemistry & Biology and he (K) studied Maths, Chemistry & Physics. So they were in a lot of classes together.
She discovered several months later (after they had become good friends) that K actually likes her but she is was not a 100% sure because he told everyone that she was like a little sister to him. (He was about 1 year older than her). But he still sent her text messages that illustrated that he did like her more than a friend (or sister).
Well even after him saying to the world that she was like a “sister” to him (or even calling himself her “friend”), during the period of her exams, he forced himself on her and raped her because she rejected him (and he couldn’t handle that fact. B*****D). 
(I will tell you the full story in another post.)
And do you know what her family (parents) and other people use to say? It was her own fault because she didn’t keep herself covered.
She was the type of girl that liked making an effort with the way she looked and dressed. She wore “sexy” clothes (as people call it). Meaning clothes that she wore showed her best features i.e. fairly low cut and fitted tops or t-shirts and tight ish jeans and trousers. Along with make-up and high heel sandals or whatever shoes suited her outfit.
So as a result of this incident, her parents made her change the way she dressed. She ended up with more loose and covered clothing. And in due course made her lose her confidence which lead to her becoming over weight. So today, she cannot dress the way she wants because it will not match her figure. (Although I’m determined to get the old M back. 
)
Edited to add:
Personally I don’t think what you wear is always the course of sexually harassment or sexual assault. I think it’s usually what society thinks and have put into our heads along with the media. And I also think it’s more of an Asian/eastern mentality rather than western. I mean I think a saree has more cleavage than a pair of jeans and t-shirt. What do you think? Do you think clothes and the way you present yourself has got anything to do with sexual harassment and rapes?
yup….Get the old M back…… and let her not lose heart…. coz the world is populated by a lot of Ass*&***……
amen!!!!
Badz – Thanks OG.
Agree with you n Og.. but more importantly! Get her counselling! She has a lot of pent up frustration and anger.. and also heightened sexual awareness which would in turn make her feel guilty! She need counselling to get all these in proper perspective!
Badz – Thanks Winnie. Yes, we have got her councelling (more at the time of the incident) and it did help her a lot. BUT somethings she can only do by herself. I mean today, she doesn’t blame herself. Her anger is only for the fact that she was naive and vunerable.
You’ll understand a little better after I write her story up. 
I would echo OG’s words and Winnie’s too
and Winnie is very right about the anger part BAdz.
serious counselling is needed…the anger might look to be for some other reason but the underlying cause is exactly what Winnie says it is..
Badz – Yes I agree with you Abhi BUT she’s not willing enough to have it. She says she doesn’t like the feelings she gets after it.
The thing is Badz.. she may not like it.. but she needs it nevertheless..
Badz – Yes I agree. BUT the ball is in her court. We can’t help her unless she wants to help herself.
I know what you mean.. Hope she finds courage to face what she has to and yet be optimistic about life
Badz. Thanks Winnie!
First of all, I’am so sorry about your friend.But i feel what we wear has got a fair connection with sexual harassments and eve teasing (as far as in India). We have to dress up according to the occasion or atmosphere. Like we shouldn’t suppose to wear the outfits in school or in temple\churches, which is suppose to wear in parties and vice versa. Because Indians are conservative. Unlike in western countries, most of our middle class families are not exposed to ‘those’ outfits. So many immature\wicked peoples take it as a ‘wrong sign’ (we can’t exactly blame them for that). What i feel is, wear ’sexy’ outfits in parties, get together etc and wear something that won’t prompt ‘those peoples’ to do something bad in other occasions. Please don’t take it as a offense, because in India it is like that, it is the fact and it will take a long time to change all these.
@ U’r friend…..encourage u’r other friends to spend more time with her. Help her to get back to her previous mood and move on. just try to make her feel that, nothing happened to her and what happened was a bad dream.
Badz – First of all, welcome to my blog.
I’d just like to I’m from living and from the UK. Our culture and way of dressing is completely different from indian. What I meant by dressing up sexy was e.g. what Katrina Kaif wears whilst visiting India in Nameste London or what she wears in the movie Apne. She looks good BUT it’s not OTT. And if you saw want people wear when going out at night with friends or going to a friend’s evening party, you’d be suprised.
But yes i agree, there are different clothes for different places and situation. And India is completely different from the west. Although it is changing. I visited India recently, and the girls “expose” more nudity than we do here.
And about my friend, we are trying to do that. I guess it just takes time.
Anish, Wearing the so called ‘more suitable’ clothes do not protect people from eve teasing.. It is just a myth that girls wearing western clothes are eve teased more than women wearing Indian clothes..
I have been eve teased while wearing my school uniform.. I have friends who have been eve teased on their way to tutions wearing salwar suits.. Yes, people do stare more if you wear western clothes – but when it comes to eve teasing and sexual harrassment – it is no different! People get raped irrespective of what they are wearing. Men rape because they want to do it. It is time that people stop blaming the victim for the crime.
You know anish if wearing proper clothes would stop rapes.. arab countries would never have it isnt it?
The fact is rape is all about domination.. more often the fact that I am the man I can get away with it kinda situation really!
Badz, I don’t know what to say!!! I am so mad! Yes, as OG says, ‘Get the old M back…… and let her not lose heart…. ‘.
Badz – Yes. Even I get mad and angry when i think about it.
And you are so right. This is just the ‘blame the victim’ mentality! How can she be responisble for the man who rapes her? This attitude on the part of society wanting to let off the ‘powerful man’ on account of his ‘power’. If the way a woman dresses is the reason for rapes – then we should hear no of rapes in conservative villages? But that is not the case at all. It does not matter – what she wears or does not wear. I read somewhere that rapes take place because the man wans to rape. period. What a girl wears is of no importance.
Badz – Yes I agree with you completely. I guess they just need an easy target. Hence blame the victim as she is weaker and cannot defend herself. But smitha, as you many have already learnt, whilst living here in the UK, it is more of an asian thing rather than an English thing. Asians are the ones (espeically their families) who pretty much kill the girl and put her down rather than the general “english” public.
Oh do convince your friend that she did nothing wrong.. She deserves better.
Badz – Thank you Smitha. I will do.
Yes Badz, I have noticed that the Asians here in the UK – who have settled here for years are more conservative than us Indians – fresh off the boat
Guess they try to hold on to what they remember of being ‘Indian’(or Asian) , I guess..
Badz – Yes. It’s quite othodox here in the asian community.
And yes, a sari or even a salwar kameez can be far sexier that jeans and skirts.. anytime.. It is just an excuse – coz it is so easy to blame the victim.
Badz – Yes I agree. Most of my Indian clothes are (and look) more sexy then my english clothes.
BUT yes it’s just an excuse to blame something, so the blame clothes.
You know badz few years back sarees were banned in sharjah(UAE) because they think women exposes while wearing a saree and other dresses like jeans,tight tops etc were allowed.
Badz – WTH! I didn’t know that.
Instead of making her come back from such a horrible incident her parents are blaming her, this is very sad
, your friend only knows the pain more than anyone else 
Badz – I know.
Sometimes parents want to command children just because they are parents and children will never go against them. They should take her into confidence and tell her that is not her mistake and she can’t just sit on that and spoil her life and i think it is friends who can get her out from that.
Badz – Yes. That’s what we are trying to do.
And HOPEFULLY we’ll get the old M back soon. 
I second most of them here. Dress or no dress, a pervert is always a pervert !
Badz – I totally agree with you Vimmuuu.
No no nno no and a hundred times NO!
I am so sorry for her. That she had to undergo all this and still be chastised as if she was the culprit. She was the victim but had to bear the horrors of being called wrong. That is so unfair and wrong on so many levels.
Badz – I agree with you completely there.
There was a girl in my college who used to dress up really well and used to pay attention to the way she looked and she was harrassed by the gali ke kutte……as was I, who always wore old, mismatched and uninteresting clothes. So NO, clothes have nothing to do with the way girls are treated by rascals.
Badz – Yes. My point exactly. Such b*****d harass girls not matter how they dress.
I agree with OG..
/*Get the old M back…… and let her not lose heart…. coz the world is populated by a lot of Ass*&***……*/
Badz – Yes I’m trying dear.
and always be with her and remind her that she has done nothing wrong when she is down because of this and divert her attention other good interesting things so that she can forget this and be an enthusiastic as before
Badz – LoL! Thanks dear. Will sure try.
It is really sad and my heart goes out to that girl. I agree with everyone who commented before me.
Badz – Yes. I gree with then too.
Hope she gets good counseling and a nice life partner.
Badz – LoL Solilo! If only life was that simple.
badz. i dunno what to say….hugs to ur friend. really, lots of hugs.
Badz – \\hugs// Thanks crafty!
man, if i cud get my hands on that perveted sicko…..was he punished? convicted? anything at all????
Badz – No punishment. Nothing. He got off scott free. She wasn’t strong enough to stand up in court and fight for her rights. So the case didn’t go as far as court.
hugs to ur friend badz. and god bless u in ur attempt in getting back ur friend. she is going to need all the friends and supportive ppl around her to convince her that this in no way is her fault. u got my prayers badz.
Badz –
Thanks dear. 
clothes have nothing to do with sexual harrassment “provocation”.
as i said at IHM’s blog, if that was the case, then will salwar kameez or “modest” dressing provoke these men to be respectful?
if someone wants to strip u down in their mind, they will do so irrespective of whether u r in a micro mini or a saree!!
just coz a girl dresses as she likes and smiles at who she likes, doesn’t make her a walking invitation for sexual harrassment.
i have battled harrassment in my school uniform.
how provocative can a 13 yr old in a school uniform be?
Badz – Yes I agree with you completely crafty. Clothes have nothing to do with sexual harrassment/asault cases. It’s all to do with the guy and his mind.
u tell ur friend that no matter what the world tells, she’s not done anything wrong. she’s got to get up n get back on her feet n she’s gonn have a lot of good hearted friends like you to help her.
what doesn’t kill, makes u stronger. and if she happens to meet a victim in a phase that she finds herself in today, she has to be a living example for that victim, an inspiration to move on!
and tell her she’s got my prayers, and loads of hugs…
Badz – Thanks Crafty! You are a sweetheart.
\\HUGS//
Badz,
This is the first blog of yours that I’ve read, and am commenting on.
First off, what happened to your friend is extremely unfortunate. Whatever the circumstances that led to the unfortunate crime, it’s the rapist that’s to be blamed.
One factor that almost everyone who’s commented seems to have overlooked is that rapes and sexual assaults (which in turn many times are unsuccessfully attempted rapes) are committed by someone KNOWN–as was the case here. Eve teasing is done by strangers. So, of course, factors like how one dresses won’t count.
Whenever a rape or sexual assault occurs, no doubt, it’s the perpetrator to be blamed, convicted and punished, but even then it’s imperative to take basic precautions.
The provocation is not whether one wears Indian or Western outfit, but how revealing one’s dress is (saree and salwar kameez, if SO CHOSEN, could certainly be more so than simple jeans and top).
A pickpocket doesn’t have any right to steal my money, and I have all the right to flash money in a crowded Mumbai local, but I won’t do it. A kidnapper doesn’t have any right to, well kidnap a child, and parents are in their right to leave their house’s door open and go shopping with their child inside the house. But parents won’t do it. What dress one wears doesn’t give right to anyone to outrage a woman’s modesty, but then there’s no harm in taking a few precautions. Well, that’s an understatement. Precautions are imperative.
In light of the fact that most of the rapes are committed by close acquaintances, a high index of suspicion must be maintained. That all humans must become decent, conscientious, respectful of each others’ rights is a most admirable social goal, which I share with all, but till that happens, the role of basic safety measures must not be undermined.
Wish your friend a speedy return to normalcy.
Take care.
Badz – First of all welcome to my blog.
And Thank you for commenting.
Your views are interesting and I agree with you completely.
Thanks Badz, reading your views on Nitwit’s posts, I’d appreciate your views on my following latest post–’Are (a few) religious leaders atheists?’
Badz – Sure. Be right over.
I think parents blame the victim out of helplessness, they need counselling as much as the girl does. They don’t know how to handle the trauma she is going through so they try whatever they have heard works… of course it does not work. If being covered prevented sexual assaults life would have been easy to control crimes.
Badz – Yes, I guess so. For parents it is difficult because in such situation, they don’t know how to deal with it. And sometimes, they do more damage than good.
And if only they type clothes you wear and being covered would prevent rapes and sexual harassment, then (like you said) it would solve half our problems.
I can’t imagine how she will ever get over this. She probably believes that she was wrong, a lot of victims believe that.
I have no idea if this can ever happen, but I do think the boy -K should be punished. And condemned in no uncertain terms.
He obviously had an idea that he could get away with this, he knew her and her family and the society well enough to understand that he would not be blamed.
Seeing him punished might help her see that the blame lies with him not her…
Badz – I agree with you completely IHM but unfortunetly, she didn’t get her justice.
I guess she was too weak, scared and young to fight. And he was too clever, hence got away with it. 
Badz,
I realized, in my prior comments I’d not said anything that could be of help to your friend–honestly, because I was (and still am) clueless in that regard.
She might be suffering from posttraumatic stress disorder ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Posttraumatic_stress_disorder ), and it’s not just her, but the entire family that’d require professional (psychiatrist/psychologist) counseling. Just trying to cheer her up might not work. Remember, psychologists/psychiatrists are very professional people who take utmost care of confidentiality (otherwise, they’ll lose their patients!
and maybe professional degree, too) , so that won’t be concern.
And from your side, you could make her feel important–like, visiting some charitable organization, or asking her to indulge in her hobbies–drawing, painting, singing, etc.–and appreciate her for that. This will make her realize that who she really is, is defined by what SHE HERSELF does, and not what someone else (the rapist) does, that she has an existence independent of her past.
I repeat, professional counseling is almost a must, otherwise it might have many grave future (psychiatric) problems for the girl as well as the family.
A legal recourse is highly recommended. That rapist must not be let scotfree. But greater the delay in registering the FIR, weaker the her case would become.
Hope this helps. TC.